其實人生都頗為有趣....每一件事情都是有因而有果. 不能解釋的事....就用[信仰]來安撫內在的疑問. 對的! 信仰確是很重要... 而我, 在很年幼的時候已許下承落相信天主 - 因為我深信直著牠, 我能找到人生所需. 這份信仰帶著我走了adolescent的路程. 但沒法堅守信念的我卻讓世俗的價值觀.應響了我整個人生的去向.
[我曾經以為我就是那個大力量, 我一切依靠自己. 但人生巨浪一來, 我徹底的倒下來. 我連情緒也搞不好, 我又如何繼續我的生命? 人的內在搞不好, 根本難以有快樂的人生. 我一向努力追求 .....外物, 這種慾望大過奧運雀巢. 在追尋各式物欲的過程﹐ 我不能說我從沒嘗試過開心, 但並不是真正的快樂. 以前的我內心沒有滿足 - 得一想二, 得二又害怕失去, 在懼怕中唯有想得到更多來保障自己那根本不知來自哪的安全感]
[心不想放棄自己﹐但卻從一種無力步進另一種更恐怖的絕望之中]
我漸漸用了"愛"的名義來到掩蓋我的私慾 - 無時無刻地追尋別人對我的溺愛. 我深信我自小就聒忽父母的寵愛和emotional support而製造出這需要. 沒法放開懷抱的我就一直帶著那些傷感在肩膊上, 逐漸變成了很重(不必)的擔子.
這三年來的生活真的可以用"一塌糊塗"來形容. 越跌倒就越不忿; 相信自己可以操控生命的去向. 那份驕傲和自我中心機乎把我吞吐了. 完全迷失自己的我, 就連自己是一個什麼人也弄不清. I found myself meaninglessly chasing after that sense of security and inner peace, approval and acceptance and yet - no matter what was done, it could not be found. The harder it was to find, the more I tried to do to take control over my plans. This included crazy drinking and party - utter disrespect for the self. 背叛 - 完全地背叛了自己.
[直至我遇上上帝. 牠讓我明白凡事都早已預備. 主已為你預備你的路, 你的需要. 人算是什麼? 又可以算得出什麼?]
[假使您願意﹐主將會以不同的形式切入你的生命]
I really believe that I am very blessed individual - no matter what happens, I seem to be always brought back onto that same path that I started out on. I believe that He knows us inside us, he knows our needs and when we ask - we are given - but not necessarily right away. Sometimes he gives us the things we need after we go through certain experiences. I truly believe with my soul that He has given me all that I need and ever asked/searched for in my life - my faith and Leo. Through this individual - I'm beginning to find a part of myself again, I'm beginning to rediscover my faith and also beginning to realize my potentials. I'm beginning to develop a more positive outlook on life and his unconditional love to me gives me the courage to face the deepest roots of my problems - my family. I can honestly say that I see things getting better - I can feel that he is changing my life around for the better and I have faith that He is trying to reach me and bring me back through him. We are all instruments of His work; together, we are both learning, growing and changing -whether on a personal development aspect or even spirtually.
For the first time ever in my life, I think I am finally beginning to see what love really is - not just see but experience it first-hand. The inner peace I find when with him is genuine comfort because...I know that our relationship does not consist of just me and him - but consistently guarded and protected by His blessings. There has always been a line in the bible that stuck with me since a young age "what God puts together, let no man separate" & "two is always better than one".
[在檮告裡我竟然清晰地自省自己過去的缺失和過犯; 要認識自己, 必須認清自己的過錯和過去, 然後就讓一切重新開始]
感謝主 - 把我找回來.
感謝主, 讓我遇上他.
